where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
