Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
