I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
