Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
