i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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