two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
