final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
