all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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