hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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