I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
