My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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