You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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