im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
