My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
she looked like the before picture.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
