You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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