woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
