I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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