she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's the barista slut.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
