Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
