Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
