Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i think im in europe. pls send help
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
