Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
