I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
