i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
