Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
