beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
