Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
