I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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