there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
