i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We need to get me chipped asap
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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