I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
