I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
