I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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