So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
