A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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