Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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