just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
