quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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