Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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