So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you would pick up someone in the library
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
