i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
