I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
