I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
