Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
