I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
