We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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