News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
