A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
