i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
