Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
