i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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