Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
