His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
