Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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