I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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