you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
