Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
