Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
