If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
